No one is born violent. Violence develops over time – for example from inner pressure, old injuries, learned role models.
Often violence begins gradually: you raise your voice, insult, control, and want to decide how things go – maybe also with physical violence.
Many feel that something is wrong, but cannot understand their reactions. They want to be good partners or parents. And still, they fall back into the same behavior – and the cycle repeats itself.
There are different factors that reinforce violence or even create the ground for violent behavior. Maybe you have experienced violence yourself, maybe you have learned that you cannot show weakness, maybe you just want to «stay in control.» Whatever it is, it is worth looking closely.
Here we show you what can encourage violent behavior in relationships.
It is not about excusing violence, but about understanding where you can start, take responsibility, and change your behavior.
Role models
To understand the world better, we divide it: into categories, patterns, boxes. This helps us find our way – in everyday life, in dealing with others, and with ourselves. But such simplifications hide how diverse life really is. Role models are a good example of this.
Already in childhood we notice how someone «should be» – for example as a man or a woman. A «real man» is strong, controlled, and shows no weakness. A «real woman» is friendly, caring, and there for others. These images influence our behavior – often unconsciously.
Reality shows: strict ideas of masculinity can lead to violence – and this violence is often directed at women. If «being a man» means showing as few weaknesses as possible, suppressing feelings, and always «being in control,» this can lead to solving problems with violence.
Much is modeled to us today as well: on social media we see images of masculinity that are loud, aggressive, and dominant. They promise strength, success, and control. Showing feelings? Better not. Being vulnerable? No way. At first, this may seem attractive, especially if you feel insecure or overwhelmed. Then it can be tempting to follow such role models – even if they harm others and yourself.
But: no one can have no feelings. What we repress finds other ways out. For example, in the form of aggression, belittling, or violence. To counter this, it is often not enough just to want to change something. It takes practice to actually feel and recognize what is happening inside you.
This access often has to be found (again). You can gradually decide for yourself how to handle your feelings. That is why it is important to know alternatives and set your own boundaries early – namely: «Up to here and no further.»
If a situation overwhelms or angers you, it helps to have alternatives ready. Think beforehand about how you want to react so that you do not regret it later. Instead of using violence, you can actively say «stop» and leave the room, breathe deeply, go outside, listen to music, or move your body. Anything that gives you distance and clears your thoughts can be a first step.
Attitudes
How we think – our beliefs, attitudes, and values – influence our relationships. It is worth questioning your own attitudes critically. What is your idea of a good relationship? Of closeness? How do you think about women and how about men?
For example, if you have learned that you are more valuable or must be in charge, an imbalance in relationships develops quickly. In our society, men are often attributed strength and superiority. These images run deep, devalue others – especially anything considered «feminine» – and create a basis for violence.
This feeling of «being better,» especially towards women, does not always appear obvious. Belittling remarks, sexist jokes, or contemptuous comments about appearance or clothing. Such statements may seem harmless at first glance. But they are not, because they create a climate where belittling, crossing boundaries, and violence are accepted.
The path from a sexist joke to control, from feelings of superiority to belittling or a punch is often shorter than one thinks. What starts with words can escalate.
Having relationships does not mean putting yourself above someone. If you control, belittle, or demean your partner, you hurt them and also destroy what makes closeness and trust possible. Because that is only possible on an equal level.
Personal experiences
What you have experienced, how you grew up, and how your caregivers treated you – all this shapes you and influences how you approach relationships today, deal with conflicts, and what you expect from yourself and others.
If you have experienced violence in the past – physical, emotional, or sexualized violence – or have witnessed violence, it leaves deep marks.
Sometimes it is difficult to take a different path than the one you have experienced. But it is possible.
It is important that you talk about what has shaped you and seek help. Your partner should know what you have experienced – not as an excuse, but as part of your responsibility. By talking about your experiences, you can prevent repeating them. Your past shapes you, but it does not control you. Relearning is always possible.
Substance use and loss of control
Alcohol or other drugs can increase aggressive behavior. They disinhibit you, make you more impulsive, louder, and sometimes violent. But they never excuse your behavior.
Responsibility for your actions always remains with you.
Maybe you know the feeling when intoxication takes over. When your body reacts before you can think. When you shout, say, or do things you cannot later explain or undo.
The moment you lose control is not the beginning, but the result of a long chain. If you notice that under influence you regularly lose it, hurt people, verbally or physically, that is a warning sign. Even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment: you can always choose to face it. Question your consumption. Find out when and why you drink or use substances. Because only you can prevent harming others or yourself. Here you can find support.
