Who becomes violent doesn’t just lose control. Violence is the result of many decisions.
Often it starts with unspoken anger, unresolved conflicts, or frustrations. Many only realize late how a cycle of tension and escalation develops – or justify their behavior afterwards.
Maybe you have experienced in your relationship yelling, pushing, insulting, or hitting. Maybe you feel guilty, or ask yourself how it could have gotten this far.
Violence in partnerships follows a clear dynamic. The violence spiral shows step by step how violence escalates. If you know the processes, you can recognize your own patterns – and intervene early.
- Tension and loss of control
In the early phase, you feel yourself getting more irritable. It is hard for you to stay calm or deal with conflicts. Maybe you start belittling or controlling your partner, or react annoyed, even over small things. It is important to recognize: even here you decide whether to swallow your feelings or talk about them.
- Violence
If this inner tension continues to grow and is not processed, the risk of becoming violent increases. But: violence does not just happen. Even if you feel overwhelmed, you always make a decision. When you use violence, you try to release tension by hurting someone. Violence can take many forms. These can be insults, pushing, crossing sexual boundaries, or physical violence. Important: violence is never necessary and never excusable.
- Relief
After the violence, you may feel a short-term relief. Not because the actual problem is solved, but because the inner pressure has eased. For a moment, calm seems to return. But the actual problem remains unsolved, and the cycle of violence continues.
- Shame and guilt
Now comes the guilty conscience. Maybe you are shocked at yourself, ashamed that you lost control. Maybe you want to undo the violent act – but what has happened cannot be undone.
- Reconciliation attempts (Honeymoon phase)
You try to excuse the situation with explanations or excuses: «I was stressed», «You provoked me», «It wasn’t that bad.» Maybe you give your partner gifts or behave especially lovingly. These reconciliation gestures can create the appearance of closeness and make you feel that «everything is okay again.» But often it is not really about the other person, but about getting rid of your guilt and feeling better yourself. As long as you downplay or justify violence, you take no real responsibility.
- Avoidance
Instead of talking about what happened, you avoid it. You avoid conversations, feelings, closeness. You hope the situation will resolve itself. But just because something is not addressed doesn’t mean it disappears.
- Building up anger, frustration, and rage
Everything unspoken builds up again: feelings like anger, frustration, or rage accumulate internally. Pressure rises, and with it the tendency to blame the other person for these feelings. Tension continues to rise, and it takes little for you to end up in the same place again: the spiral of violence begins again.
The more often you move in this spiral, the lower the threshold becomes. Violence happens more often, more intensely – and exiting seems more difficult.
Violence is no accident. It is not a whim, not a reflex. Whoever uses violence carries responsibility – in every moment.
You can break out of the spiral. Because: whether you become violent or not is your decision. The first step: recognize your responsibility. Asking for help does not show weakness, but courage to change. Talk to a professional. Here you can find support.
