No one is born violent. Violence develops over time, for example from inner pressure, old injuries, or behaviors learned from role models.
It often starts gradually: raising your voice, putting someone down, trying to control your partner, or needing things to go your way – and it can escalate to physical violence.
Many people recognize that something is wrong but struggle to understand their own reactions. They want to be good partners or parents, yet they find themselves repeating the same patterns, and the cycle continues.
Many different factors can contribute to violent behavior or make it more likely to occur. Perhaps you experienced violence yourself. Perhaps you learned early on that showing vulnerability was not acceptable. Perhaps you feel a strong need to stay in control. Whatever the reason, it is worth looking more closely at these patterns.
Here, we explore what can contribute to violent behavior in relationships.
It is not about excusing violence, but about understanding where you can take responsibility and begin to change your behavior.
Role models
To understand the world around us, we often rely on categories and patterns. This helps us navigate everyday life, our relationships with others, and our relationship with ourselves. But these simplified ideas can hide the incredible diversity of real life. Gender roles are one example.
From an early age, we learn ideas about how people are expected to behave — as men or as women. A «real man» is often portrayed as strong, self-controlled, and unable to show weakness. A «real woman» is often expected to be caring, supportive, and there for others. These images influence how we act — often without us realizing it.
Rigid ideas about masculinity can contribute to violence, and this violence is often directed at women. If «being a man» means hiding your emotions, showing as little vulnerability as possible, and always «staying in control», it can make it harder to deal with conflict in healthy ways and may lead some people to respond with violence.
We see these messages today as well: on social media, certain images of masculinity promote aggression, dominance, and control while promising strength, success, and respect. Showing feelings? Better not. Being vulnerable? No way. These ideas can seem appealing, especially when someone feels insecure or overwhelmed.
But following these role models can harm both others and yourself. The truth is that no one can simply switch off their feelings. What we suppress does not disappear, it can come out in other ways, such as aggression, putting others down, or violence.
Wanting to change is an important first step, but real change also requires learning to recognize and understand what is happening inside you. Many people have to rediscover this connection with themselves.
You can gradually learn to choose how you respond to your feelings. That is why it helps to know your options and set your own boundaries early: «This is where I stop.»
When a situation feels overwhelming or anger starts building, it helps to have alternatives ready. Think ahead about how you want to respond so you do not act in ways you later regret. Instead of using violence, you can actively say «stop» and leave the room, take deep breaths, go outside, listen to music, or move your body. Anything that creates distance and helps you clear your head can be a first step.
Attitudes
How we think shapes our relationships. It is worth taking a critical look at your own attitudes and beliefs. What does a healthy relationship mean to you? What does closeness mean to you? How do you view women, and how do you view men?
If you have learned, for example, that you are more important than others or that you should be the person in control, an imbalance can quickly develop in a relationship. In our society, men are often associated with power, authority, and superiority. These ideas can become deeply rooted, devalue others, especially anything seen as «feminine», and create conditions in which violence can become more likely.
This belief in «being better» does not always appear in obvious ways. Belittling comments, sexist jokes, or contemptuous remarks about someone’s appearance or clothing may seem harmless at first. But they are not harmless, because they contribute to a climate in which disrespect, boundary violations, and violence can become normalized.
The path from a sexist joke to controlling behavior, from a feeling of superiority to belittling someone or using violence, is often shorter than people think. What begins with words can escalate.
Being in a relationship does not mean placing yourself above another person. Controlling, belittling, or demeaning your partner causes harm – and destroys the very things that make closeness and trust possible. Healthy relationships are built between equals.
Personal experiences
What you’ve experienced, how you grew up, how your caregivers treated you – all of this shapes who you are, and how you approach relationships, handle conflict, and set expectations for yourself and others today. If you’ve experienced violence in the past or witnessed it, it leaves deep marks.
Sometimes it’s hard to take a different path than the one you were shown. But it’s possible.
It’s important to talk about what shaped you and to seek support. Your partner should know what you’ve experienced. This not as an excuse, but as part of taking responsibility. Talking about your experiences can help you avoid repeating them. Your past shapes you, but it doesn’t control you. It’s always possible to learn a different way.
Substance use and loss of control
Alcohol and other substances can increase the risk of aggressive behavior. They lower your inhibitions and can make you more impulsive, reactive, and more likely to act aggressively.
But they never excuse your behavior, you are always responsible for your actions.
You may know the feeling of alcohol or drugs taking over – when your body reacts before you have time to think, when you shout, say, or do things you later regret or cannot take back.
The moment you lose control is not the beginning of the problem, it is the result of a longer chain of events. If you notice that you regularly lose control when you are under the influence, harming others through words or physical violence, this is a warning sign. Even if it does not feel that way in the moment, you can choose to take responsibility and seek change.
Take a closer look at your substance use: find out when and why you drink or use substances. Only you can prevent yourself from harming others, or yourself. Find support here.
